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I Don’t Do Prime, Bitch

Greatly amused, I pulled a moderately thick colored holiday catalog out of my brown chipped country mailbox. If I had been a middle class six year old, I might have let out a screech and dropped my iPad. But I wasn’t.

I was a grey streaked 41 year old childless poet wondering why the fuck Amazon sent me a Christmas toy catalog. The broader question is who mails catalogs in 2018? You know this shit wasn’t printed on recycled paper. We are a long way past the glossies of the 80s sent by Sears and JC Penney.

Sure, we loved circling all the pricey stereos and walkie talkies we knew we would never find under that cheap ass city lot Christmas tree covered in felted hand sewn ornaments my Aunt made for us. It was the dream deferred that got us excited.

Is Christmas the same with an Amazon wish list and free two day shipping? I’m glad not to know but they sent the catalog anyway.

Let me first say that when I told my mom today that I received the catalog yesterday, she was pissed. She has been an Amazon Prime member for years and even watches their shitty TV service and she did not get a catalog.

I do not know what goes through the mind of a man like CEO of Amazon, Jeff Bezos who raised the minimum wages of his workers while simultaneously cutting all their bonuses. I guess he’s busy now that one of their buildings in Baltimore collapsed this weekend and a few of the workers there were killed.

I’m not harsh without reason. You can be a billionaire but you’re going to get severe side eye pretending to be God’s gift to employment while the government is in your back pocket cutting your taxes to raise the little guy’s taxes.

So, I had a hearty laugh thumbing through this tragically sent catalog noting that not an entire item in the whole damn thing had a price tag on it. Well, this certainly is different from the Sears catalog we worshipped back in the day.

At least then, parents knew how much overtime it was going to take to subdue Susie and Brian on Christmas. Now, it’s like, fuck it. You know you’re working three jobs and still can’t afford anything in that industry picture whorehouse, so why would you need a price.

The only thing with a price tag on it was the amount you could theoretically put on an Amazon gift card if you’re too busy/lazy/hateful and want to send your love on cute plastic card. Up to $2,000.

I do want to know who is giving out $2,000 Amazon gift cards for Christmas or any holiday really because I could fake a lot of shit for that kind of dollar dollar bills, y’all.

The puzzling target of Amazon’s holiday wish catalog, I will admit that I purchase very few things from the online retailer. Most of the things I have bought from them are items hard to find anywhere else locally in this day and age like books and industrial grade plastic wrap.

The magic of Amazon is mainly related to their speed which has no hold on me. I’m not an idiot. I don’t wait until the last minute to order things, so I don’t need it yesterday like everybody else in this country without calendars.

The other half of Amazon’s wild success comes from their marketing and branding dominance. Honestly, that is where Sears fucked up hard and so did Kmart. Did Sears even have an app? The fact that I don’t even know is telling. We know Kmart isn’t kicking it online…I mean, my God, they were still paying their employees with cash every Friday in the 80s.

So, I thought maybe Amazon was taking a reckless dump when they sent me a Christmas catalog pushing an array of sought after merch like the Mickey Mouse duplo set for toddlers. I harbor an intense hatred of all things Disney (I know, I’m getting deported next week) and I don’t even know any two year olds. What can I say? They just don’t like chai or art galleries. Who knew?

And then, they bamboozled me hard. On the very next page of the catalog, across from the Disney princess doll collection displayed in a circle of ethnic equality we don’t allow in real life, they included an entire page of random ass holiday themed stickers.

I literally shouted, “Fuck yeah! I love stickers!” In hues of blue and red, there is a holiday train engineered by a dog with peppermints for wheels, a penguin on a god damn skateboard, a rocket ship with a dog inside, a dinosaur in a winter ski cap handing you an Amazon package, and even a goofy ass bear with a crown on its head carrying a flag that says Awesome.

It is a free offering of amnesty to a self-confessed Amazon hater. They really hit me in the ovaries with this one. How did they know I had a sticker book in the 80s? My precious!

You bet your damn I’m using those stickers. I freaking love them. The animals look like they have been kissed with an ignorance that is pure peace. I want that motherfucker! I’m even going as far as cutting out the illustrations that are not peel off stickers and using those as stickers too. I don’t waste shit, Amazon.

And maybe this catalog isn’t wasted on me. Now I know that Barbie has a pepto pink ambulance called a care clinic vehicle complete with the signature pink stretcher. I have no idea what it costs to buy this miniature plastic trash can on wheels with a heart on it but it’s a Top Toy according to Jeff and friends.

Just knowing they paid to produce a 64 page holiday guide and got a jaded gen-Xer to look at it is probably the strongest indicator that Christmas with Amazon is here to stay.

About missyrogers

Lifelong Michigander, early 40s, craft addict, chihuahua collector, coffee drinker, recovering human being, bipolar I, electronic music lover, bullshit caller, 5' tall, my blood is organic, and I refuse to be anything else. I will write until I die.


3 thoughts on “I Don’t Do Prime, Bitch

  1. Kicking and screaming you opened the book, prepared to cynically disparage. The magic and mystery found between its pages nudged and tickled its way past your defenses to grab you when least expected! Gotcha! Half the magic in the old catalogs was all the cutting and pasting one could do when the season was long past! Have fun with your stickers!😊

    Posted by cathylapointeblundypoet | November 5, 2018, 2:20 pm
  2. Amnesty…

    Posted by copilot64 | November 6, 2018, 11:27 am

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