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A Dark Night for All

As a person who struggles with mental illness, I have dealt with suicidal thoughts and even made plans to carry out suicide. It’s been a lifelong issue for me that goes back to age 14. I can remember being profoundly depressed when I was young and I was quietly convinced that suicide was my only option. Around that time, friends of mine were planning a surprise birthday party for me. I thought I was spending the night at a friend’s house and when I got there and the door opened, a room full of people greeted me. They had been planning the party for a whole year. I was blown away. I didn’t know my friends cared about me so much. I decided that life was worth living and discarded my suicidal ideation.

I’m not saying this is easy to do for people with live with a serious and persistent mental illness. As a person with Bipolar I disorder, I experience suicidal thoughts that don’t seem tied to emotions. The thoughts come without a major event prompting them. My point is that we have to reach out to people and allow ourselves to feel the love that others have for us because it is a major source of support. Each day is a new opportunity to build community with others.

It is also important to express ourselves through emotions, hobbies, work, and play. I choose to do this through my poetry. Below is my poem, Dear Suicide, which has undergone two revisions. It is a confessional style poem about what it feels like to be taken in by the temptations of suicide. Read it and post your thoughts in the comments section. And don’t forget to subscribe to my posts if you’re a new reader!!!

 

Dear Suicide

mrrogers

1.16.12

Revised 6.15.13

Revised 9.8.13

 

Dear Suicide,

 

It’s 3:00 am and your minions are pinning me

against the wall. Little in pajamas, I pick

the date rape drug steeping in my tea.

Seduced, it slips into my soul choking my

intoxicated dreams with hands reaching up

my neck until I gasp like it’s the first time:

selling the struggle victim-style pretending

I didn’t know demons descended in night

to drain tomorrow’s veins just to satisfy today.

 

About missyrogers

Lifelong Michigander, early 40s, craft addict, chihuahua collector, coffee drinker, recovering human being, bipolar I, electronic music lover, bullshit caller, 5' tall, my blood is organic, and I refuse to be anything else. I will write until I die.

Discussion

3 thoughts on “A Dark Night for All

  1. I think the only time I have ever experienced suicidal thoughts was when my mother died. And then, it was more a desire for death to just take over my life; nothing as dramatic as an action on my part. I wouldn’t have had the energy for that. I just wanted the sadness to overcome me to the point of blackness and nothingness. I don’t wish to go back there. I spend time now working and playing at my own happiness, hoping it will spill over into the lives around me.

    Those are my thoughts.

    Posted by debipilkington | September 21, 2013, 1:34 am
    • Thank you so much for your personal thoughts! Grieving is a tough process to go through and it is totally understandable that you would have some thoughts of death and dying. Glad to hear you are able to live your life in a giving and serene way and carry on with your memories of your mom!

      Posted by Missy Rogers | September 21, 2013, 2:11 pm

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