As a person who struggles with mental illness, I have dealt with suicidal thoughts and even made plans to carry out suicide. It’s been a lifelong issue for me that goes back to age 14. I can remember being profoundly depressed when I was young and I was quietly convinced that suicide was my only option. Around that time, friends of mine were planning a surprise birthday party for me. I thought I was spending the night at a friend’s house and when I got there and the door opened, a room full of people greeted me. They had been planning the party for a whole year. I was blown away. I didn’t know my friends cared about me so much. I decided that life was worth living and discarded my suicidal ideation.
I’m not saying this is easy to do for people with live with a serious and persistent mental illness. As a person with Bipolar I disorder, I experience suicidal thoughts that don’t seem tied to emotions. The thoughts come without a major event prompting them. My point is that we have to reach out to people and allow ourselves to feel the love that others have for us because it is a major source of support. Each day is a new opportunity to build community with others.
It is also important to express ourselves through emotions, hobbies, work, and play. I choose to do this through my poetry. Below is my poem, Dear Suicide, which has undergone two revisions. It is a confessional style poem about what it feels like to be taken in by the temptations of suicide. Read it and post your thoughts in the comments section. And don’t forget to subscribe to my posts if you’re a new reader!!!
It’s 3:00 am and your minions are pinning me
against the wall. Little in pajamas, I pick
the date rape drug steeping in my tea.
Seduced, it slips into my soul choking my
intoxicated dreams with hands reaching up
my neck until I gasp like it’s the first time:
selling the struggle victim-style pretending
I didn’t know demons descended in night
to drain tomorrow’s veins just to satisfy today.